Ok first things first this is going to be FULL OF SPOILERS because, frankly I don’t care and I’m trying to save you the pain of going to watch Transformers The Last Knight.
Right. So those of you that know me, will know I love the Transformers toys and comic books and basically anything to do with Generation One. You will also know that I hate the Michael Bay films because they have killed my childhood, and are just generally the most ridiculously shit films known to man (with exception to the first one perhaps).
So now we are at the fifth installment of Paramounts hugely successful (at least financially) Transformers films and I didn’t think things could have gotten any worse than the previous film Age of Extinction. But oh yes, it gets much much worse. In fact I’m not really sure how Paramount and Bay have managed to make each film progressively worse than the last. So lets start with the story.
It’s. Just. Awful.
The film starts in the Middle Ages with King Arthur and his merry men battling some army of some kind. It doesn’t really tell you. Then it cuts to Merlin riding out of the mist on horse back. He stops. And simply says. “ I’m sozzled” and proceeded to take a drink. I nearly cried because that one moment I knew the next two and half hours would be so painful.
Anyway it turns out that long ago Merlin managed to borrow a staff from a mysterious transformer hiding in a cave, and only Merlin’s blood line have the power to wield this staff. This staff as it turns out is the only thing that can defeat Unicorn. In the meantime there is another ancient artifact that’s come from nowhere which transforms into a spider and attaches to those it deems worthy, or a Knight as it were.
Kade Yeager is back in the hero seat, and along with that girl you see from the trailer who wants to “fight them” but serves literally no purpose. There are some Transformers left on Earth after us humans have magically hunted them all down and destroyed most of them. Hound is back along with those other two Transformers that no one knows their names, I want to say Switchblade? Crossfire? I dunno, one of them should have been called Springer anyway. Oh yeah Hot Rod is in this and is actually quite cool for like the one scene he’s in. The mighty all powerful Dinobots are back, for nothing more than comedy value. Ugh, it makes me sick. What a waste.
You may be wondering why I haven’t mentioned Optimus Prime yet. Last we saw he took of into space in a bid to find his makers. He found them, and that’s all you see of him until the final scene, So all that trailer crap about Prime turning, bad and the fight with Bumble Bee they made a big deal of? Yeah that’s the only time you see Prime. So if you’re hoping to really get to know the Transformers characters you have no chance. This is 100% the Marky Mark show and to make matters worse, guess who ends up being The Last fucking Knight?
Not only is the story to this film so bad, it also completely disregards the stories from the previous films. Lets cast our mind back in the first and best Transformers movie. According to that film, Transformers were created using the All Spark. Now all of a sudden they were created by a metal female god type thing called Quintessa. Oh and remember when the Transformers arrived on earth in the first film in great fireballs and destruction? Their supposed first time on earth Well apparently Bumble Bee at least was in the Second World War fighting Nazi’s.
Fucking Nazi’s!! Ugh I just want to cry.
When I heard Anthony Hopkins was in the film, I kind of hoped he would bring some class to the proceedings, but even his performance can’t save it. He must have owed someone a favour or something. His character comes out of nowhere, it turns out him and his ancestry are people who keep an eye on Transformers that have been on earth, because they’ve been on on earth since at least the Middle Ages (even that’s wrong if you take into account the second movie, Revenge of the Fallen). I never really understood his role other than a older guy who along with his robot servant Cogman can dish out advice and somehow try and link all the shit that this film has spewed together. I felt sorry for him while watching this.
It’s not that this is a bad, film or even a terrible film I can safely say this is the worst film I have ever seen. Nothing has changed. It’s the same old shit with the focuses on the human characters, and they are all annoying one dimensional characters we just find so hard to care about. Megatron’s back! I don’t care. Prime has turned bad! I don’t care. People are dying and there is some great big planet thing heading towards earth that will kill everyone! I just don’t care!
It’s hard to care when it’s all about Mark Whalberg. It’s hard to care when the Transformers, which is what these films are about hardly say one word and are just background noise so Bay can have a nice set piece. Speaking of Mark Walberg, the highlight of ‘Pure Shit-ism’ is that he has a sword fight with Prime. Yes you heard that right, a small insignificant human now has the power to have a sword fight with a a giant robot. Jeeeezus fucking christ. When the first Transformers film came out I remember reading that they couldn’t have Soundwave transforming to a cassette player because the scale of small object and big robot would be physically impossible to achieve. But it’s fine for Mark Walberg to have a sword fight with a three story tall sword?
The shit doesn’t stop there. There are baby Dinobots! Baby fucking Dinobots. Why, why why? You don’t even use the grown up versions to their amazing potential! baby ones. Fuck me did the Dinobots find female Dinobots and do the wild thing since the previous film? I thought Quintessa created Transformers, or was it the All Spark. I don’t fucking know anymore.
Get this Transformers fans. You know that giant planet eating planet from Transformers the animated movie? You know the one character that could save any Transformers movie with a cinematic spectacle of a planet transforming into a robot and heading towards earth? Well that dream is over as planet earth is Unicron. YES! Unicron the metal planet that transforms into a giant robot is planet fucking Earth.
In the two hours and twenty minutes of utter horse shit, there was one stand out moment and that was when Bumblebee got his voice back. Clearly with this film Paramount are queuing this up for the Bumblebee spin off that’s set to start shooting this year.
I’ve tried to tell you as much as I can about the story, But I really struggled to understand what the actual shit was going on as it just makes zero sense. If you like Michael Bay then the action sequences are just the same as they have been in the previous films But I think even fans will struggle to find anything likeable with this garbage fest.
The scary part is that there was a post credit scene, well it was more mid credit scene, I think Paramount wanted to get it out there before people left in a hurry, that is if there was anyone left in the cinema in the first place. The scene hinted at Transformers 6!
They are still going to carry on with this turgid mess of a film series. Hey Paramount, I know you’re making money and stuff but fucking have some pride in your work. Scrap this shit and start over.