Apple introduce the iPhone X – lets you animate shit

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Today Apple had their special event today where all Apple nerds gather for mass whooping and cheering as they drool over every word that comes from Tim Cooks mouth. If they are not lucky enough to attend then you can guarantee they are sitting glued to their iPad Pro watching the live event on Safari while checking their heart rate in the Apple Watch. I hate to admit I was one of the latter watching the conference, but just on my faithful iPad air.

This year was billed as the big deal, the 10 year anniversary of the iPhone,  This, of course, mena that every tech website prior to today has been posting rumours about what the celebratory iPhone 10 will bring. All of these rumours sounded great, edge to edge display, see-through display, embedded finger print scanner. What ever you can think of it was rumoured. It was because if these rumours that I got a little interested in this year’s event. Normally I skip them and just catch up the news, via the same websites that got all the rumours wrong in the first place.

So what was shown at this years most anticipated Apple event? Well there was a new Apple Watch, (series 3) which, incredibly now features cellular, so you can make calls and stream your banging beats direct from Apple Music without taking your cumbersome phone with you everywhere. This is something I can get on board with being a runner, and wearer of tight jeans. It also features all kinds of gadgetry to more accurately record your heart rate to get you off the sofa to move more. This seems like a genuine evolution for what is now the worlds most popular watch (according to Apple of course).

Next up was Apple TV 4K , which says it all. Apple TV now supports 4K HDR display, which is compatible with all Netflix and Amazon Prime 4K content along with all the 4K films on iTunes. A nice gesture from Apple is that any HD film you have already purchased will be upgraded to the 4K version of the film at no extra cost. Thanks Apple. One exciting aspect about Apple TV was gaming. That Game Company showcased their new game Sky on Apple TV running at 4K which looked pretty incredible, as most games do from That Game Company.

Then it was time for the reveal of the iPhone 8 and iPhone Plus. I’d love to write something to get excited about, but I can’t. It looks just like the the iPhone 7. it has a new A11 chip, better screen called a Super Retina Display, better camera blah blah blah, the same shit we’ve heard for the past 10 years. It does have a nifty portrait lighting mode which lights portraits in fancy pants ways. That alone is worth the asking price (!!!!!!), oh and they showcased AR which did look cool but is useless until developers can think of clever and useful things to do with the tech. Finally they made a big old deal of wireless charging. This would be news if like every sodding phone company in the world hadn’t done it before. All in all disappointing. The iPhone 8 should have technically been called the iPhone 7s as it’s just tech enhancements rather than a revolution.

Then, just when you think it’s all over, the big screen behind Tim Cook displayed these words;

One Last Thing…

This was the big one, this was why I have spent two hours watching all this bullshit hyperbole to get to this point.  To see the new iPhone. Man I was excited. Being an Apple user since I was at college, I love what Apple do. They push the boundaries of design and technology to levels I can only dream of, this should be EPIC.

After some spiel about this new phone defining what smartphones are, and a short promotional video, there was finally the big reveal of the iPhone X showcasing an edge to edge display! Perhaps this would have had more impact had Samsung not get there first. Then there  gasps from the audience as Tim Cook revealed there was no home button(!). What were we going to do? FUUUUUUCK someone give me a home button for the love of fucking Christ. Thank the gods there is a solution, phew. Just swipe up. Yep all this talk of finger print sensors built into the glass where soon quashed. Tim really made a big deal of this, look how easy it is to swipe up, went the sales pitch,  you take your tumb, and swipe up from the bottom. Poor Tim really thought this was a revolution the way he was going on and on. He then revealed that the iPhone X has Face ID. The front camera is used to recognise some users mug to unlock the phone. There was some babble about super tech and dots being beamed onto your face etc etc  but I zoned out by then. Again it would have been news had Samsung not done it first with the Galaxy 8, or to some degree the Nexus phones with their smart lock feature.

Then came the best bit. Some geezer, didn’t catch his name, I’m sure he was quite high up at Apple though, took to the stage and demoed the new iPhone X live on stage and what did he do? He spent the majority of his time on stage showing how you can animate emoji’s using the fancy tech that recognises your face. He made an utter tit of himself pulling all kinds fo faces to show off this new feature. So what I’m seeing right now that in ten years of smartphone evolution, the next big thing that will revolutionise smart phones for the next ten years is that I can animate a poo emoji. Ok fine, I can get on-board with this full-screen edge to edge display,  super camera’s and hyper Retina displays or what ever they are called. I don’t have to animate a poo if I don’t want to.

So, ow much is this piece of shit, I mean kit going to cost me? $999! Yep that’s how much it will cost me to send and animated poo to my buddies. First one I’ll send is to Tim fucking Cook for signing off with this shit.

What is it with Apple and their obsession with emoji. I mean they have just recenlty released a new iMac that costs over £2,500 just because they scrapped the standard function keys and replaced them with a bar that makes choosing emoji easier. Fuck that shit.

Apple have always abeen a bit more expensive, but you get quality for the price, you know you are getting a really cool piece of kit and will become part of their ‘eco-system’  Their laptops and iMacs and computers are some of the best you can get (if you can afford them). I can actually  forgive the lack of drastic design change in these new iPhones because my current iPhone 6s is about as close to phone design perfection as you can get (and I’ve gone through a lot of phones) but now Apple seem to be forgetting their design roots, forgetting how they used to strive to push technology to the limits. And that sucks.

You know that Apple are going down a dangerous spiral when an event billed to showcase the next generation of smartphones the iPhone X,  was overshadowed by the news of a  new watch, which to me symbolises what Apple is really about.

Poor show, as they say.

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